Sicka than AIDS. The ongoing trials & tribulations of Russell Jones

Ol’ Dirty Bastard, Osiris, Big Baby Jesus, Dirt McGirt or just plain old Russell. ODB means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. But here at Cynicalista I see ODB as a fine model American citizen. Denizen of the arts, hero (he once saved a young girl from under an automobile after an accident in Brooklyn in 1998), gangsta rapper, father, crackhead and relucant fugitive. ODB has had quite a colourful prosecution record over the last few years and I’d like to share it with you, but lets start at the beginning shall we? & what better place to set the scene than the Grammy awards in 1998.

After losing out to Puff Daddy (or whatever he’s decided to christen himself this month) in the best Rap album award, an over-emotional ODB jumped onto the stage during Shawn Colvin’s acceptance speech for her best song award, resplendent in a beautiful new red suit rambling: "I went and bought me an outfit today that cost me a lot of money, ‘cos I figured that Wu-Tang was gonna win I don’t know how you see it but when it comes to the children..Wu-Tang is for the children, we teach the children. Puffy is good, but Wu-Tang is the best. I want you all to know that this is ODB. I love y’all, peace!" Unfortunately for Mr. Bastard he failed to win the audience’s affection and was promptly ejected from the venue by security.

Later on in the year, Ol’ Dirty was being interviewed by US talk show ‘the vibe’ when he rather unexpectedly revealed his true identity, as none other than Jesus Christ: "There’s no more ODB no more," he declared, ‘no more Osiris, it’s all lies. From now on my name is Big Baby Jesus." When quizzed by MTV over his comments Big Baby Jesus replied: "I always been Jesus. I don’t know what the big secret’s been all these years. Hanging pictures up on the wall and crosses and things of that nature. I mean, it’s all good, but the truth’s gonna to be revealed one day." Unfortunately for BBJ, his messianic powers seem to fail him when he is admitted to hospital later in the year after being shot twice in the arm and back after reportedly trying to stop burglars at his cousin’s house who made away with hundreds of dollars worth of cash and jewellery. Dirty flees hospital against doctors advice hours later to be ‘close to tha family’, whether this family included James, Luke, Mark and John is unreported.

The latter half of 1998 was marred by violence and court appearances for ODB, after being caught attempting to shoplift a pair of Nike trainers form a shop in Lynnhaven, Virginia days later Dirty’s brand new Range Rover is stolen from outside a recording studio in Manhattan, Dirty claims he is ‘jinxed’ and refuses three times to go to court over the shoplifting offence. Dirty’s life takes a turn for the worse when he is arrested at the House of Blues nightclub in Hollywood after apparently making ‘terrorist threats’. Police reported that Ol’ Dirty was behaving in a drunk and disorderly manner during a set by Pop startlet Des’Ree, after being ejected he returned with a firearm and threatened to ‘shoot up the place’. Hollywood authorities were alerted and arrested Dirty on an unrelated traffic offence, Dirty is said to be ‘very confused’ by this decision, but that could be down to the amount of Crack consumed that evening.

Walking around in the nude seems the logical action of any ‘eccentric’ genius, look at William Blake ferchris’sakes. Dirty exhibits this when he is ejected from the Four Seasons hotel in Berlin for ‘lewd behaviour’ after other guests are offended by Ol’ Dirty kicking back on his balcony starkers. Ol’ Dirty’s prosecution list after this point becomes a worry as it becomes rather long. After scaling an 18 foot perimeter fence to his ex-girlfriend’s house Dirty is arrested for threatening to kill her, add this to his legendary non-payment of child-support costs and a run in with the police involving a small shootout and poor Mr. Bastard’s bail is set rather high (,000 to be exact). "I’m poor, real poor" he tells reporters after leaving court after the bail is set. After the police search his car in Harlem after finding it had no license plates, police find an envelope containing several rocks of crack. Dirty gives the fake name of Robert Diggs, in fact his cousin’s name who happens to be RZA in the Wu-Tang clan. So much for ‘tha family’ then.

Oh dear, things seemed to be piling up for our poor hero. After yet another traffic offence and non-payment of bail Dirty is caught going through a red light in Queens and after a search of his vehicle, police find envelopes containing over 500 milligrams of cocaine and a bag of marijuana. Right, so let’s tally this up now, Mr. Bastard is charged with possession of a narcotic with intent to sell, possession of a controlled narcotic in the third degree, criminal possession of a controlled narcotic in the fifth degree, aggravated unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle in the second degree, unlawful possession of marijuana, driving by unlicensed operator and driving through a red light. He vows to take the bus in future.

Appearing in court, Dirty is ordered by the judge to enter a drug rehabilitation centre and enter a programme to kick the drugs, serve three years probation for the traffic offences, not carry a weapon, keep away from drug users and not to wear a bullet-proof vest. Dirty tells the judge: "Jesus loves you." "Thank you" replied the judge "I need all the love I can get."

Ol’ Dirty starts off the year 2000 with yet another court appearance for an old drug charge. A rather bedraggled Dirty spends the hearing muttering nonsense like: "It does cost a lot of money" and "Fool yourselves, sperm donor here." An increasingly irritated judge orders ODB to "just say nothing." To which ODB barks ‘do I make you horny?" at the female prosecutor before promptly falling asleep. Ah, bless. After failing to turn up for a court date in Brooklyn, a warrant is issued for Dirty’s arrest. After languishing in rehab for several months for psychiatric testing and such, the Wu-Tang go on their US tour without him, but Dirty isn’t without work, as part of his sentence he is given community service, most of which included painting and cutting old people’s lawns. In his most daring stunt yet, ODB dramatically flees (he literally runs away) from his captors while being transported to court: "No-one knows where he is" admits District attorney Ken Holder, "but when he is found he’s going straight to jail." ODB- 1 US law system- 0

ODB stuns fans after a month on the run by appearing on stage with the Wu-Tang Clan at the Hammerstein Ballroom in New York. "I can’t stay on the stage too long tonight the cops is after me" he told a rapturous crowd after being announced as a ‘special guest’ and performing the Clan hit ‘Shame on a Nigga’. Despite heavy police presence outside the venue, Dirty appeared out in the open minutes later dressed up in an orange parka, still bearing the prison tag with his name on it and swigging from a large bottle. "You know the whole fuckin’ world is after me" he told the throng, "Y’all know I’m still surrounded". He went on to compare himself and his fugitive lifestyle to that of a bird "eating fuckin’ birdseed or whatever". Before leaving the venue via a fire exit, ODB bellowed "You’ll see motherfuckers, you’ll see." ODB- 2 US law system- 0

The search for the elusive Mr. Bastard is stepped up after this cheeky appearance, and although I’d like to be able to say that he is still on the run today, unfortunately he was caught not so long afterwards in a McDonald’s restaurant in Philadelphia. He is found by police ‘sweating profusely’ after a crowd of fans and autograph hunters swarmed around him trying to ward off the pigs. ODB- 2 US law system- 3.

Unfortunately this seemed like the end of the road for Dirty, his lawyer states his client was "rather sad" over the state of events "and would rather be on the road somewhere, rapping." After serving a rather lengthy term at a mental institution in Queen’s New York Dirty is back with a vengeance with a new record deal (rocafella), a new moniker (Dirt McGirt) and a new lease of life. Good luck Mr. Russell Jones/Osiris/Big Baby Jesus/ Dirt McGirt/Old Dirty Bastard I know you’ll keep on doing it for the kids, Cynicalista salutes you.

James Williams

As Oscar Wilde once quipped ‘The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about’ & after the explosive events of Nas’s Brixton Academy show, this is more relevant than ever for Queensbridge’s finest. A regular show to coincide with the release of the new single ‘Just a Moment’ descends into chaos after shots are fired from the centre of the crowd (metres behind where I was stood myself) which sparks mass hysteria as punters scatter to avoid being caught up in the crossfire. Most of whom are later found cowering in the Ladies loos for some bizarre reason..You couldn’t make it up could you?

I fully realise the irony of shots ringing off at the big bad Gangsta-Rap show, but the fact that the single being released on the same day (‘Just a Moment’) is an anti-violence diatribe aimed at unifying projects torn apart by the mindless violence unfortunately exhibited here tonight makes events all the more poignant. To be fair, facts aren’t helped by Nas dropping ‘Made You Look’ with its firearm sound effects and "They Shootin’ " refrain directly after the incident. But enough of focusing on the negative (I promised myself I wouldn’t resort to lazy journalism & just focus on that incident...well, fuck you I’m a lazy journalist). The show up to that point had been a little uninspiring to be frank, although glimmers of the old Queensbridge magic shine, namely in live outings for the Illmatic classics, which are thoughtfully condensed into a smart bitesize twenty minutes. It almost seems as though Nasty is trying to get the classics out of the way apparently forgetting that everything released after Illmatic pales in comparison. The gig fizzles instead of burns which is a shame as I know Nas has the vocal gasoline to spark the songs into life (Christ I can knock out a duff metaphor now and then).

Abandonment of the show & the distinctly unwelcome appearance of armed po-lice leads to a sharpish retreat to the End in West Central Street just in the nick of time for Cazals. These four Lahndahn lads are riding on a high at the mo thanks to welcome endorsements from the fashion mag illuminati & boyee is it deserved. Taking the Richard Hell/Tom Verlaine NY rawk blueprint and morphing it with their bare hands into hideous new shapes Phil, Luca, Dan, Warren and Martin Cazal are ‘Saving East London from identikit poseurs’ (Dazed & Confused). Phil’s vocals fall a little flat at times & an unfortunate lack of semi-automatic weapon fire (kidding) are my only minor beefs in an otherwise cloudless sky. Refreshing!